the IN crowd

i was never part of the "in crowd".  you had to have certain characteristics to be part of that crowd.  you had to be INTERESTING. 

funny was interesting.  i wasn't funny.  i envy my cousins with their wit and quick sense of humor.  they have this wonderful ability to turn their weaknesses into strengths by finding the humor in it.  the class clown was part of the in-crowd.  and funny people are loved and sought after.

naughty was interesting.  it was always fun to hear the naughty girl's latest antics and live vicariously through her.  i was such the good girl.  if you had my mother as your mother you would have been a good girl too.  her temper was legendary.  i envy my friends and my family who live their lives as they see fit free of the worries that come with wondering about other people's opinions.

different was interesting.  but you had to be different in a kool way.  i never did get that formula down.  i think i've spent my whole life trying out for this kind of interesting seeing as i couldn't acquire the other two characteristics.  i've colored my hair every color of the rainbow and i've cut it into bizarre shapes to stand out from the crowd.  by the way, check out my new $3 haircut i got recently at the local shop.

my closet ranges the gamut of clothing genres.  i haven't gotten a tattoo yet (coz at least i'm honest enough to know i'm fickle) but i have my share of piercings.  i've pushed myself in the realm of creativity and intellect constantly reaching for that mythical difference.  you should see my cousin bambi -- it's like koolness was tattooed on her from birth.  i laugh out loud though not often enough.  i state my opinions out loudy ... probably a little too often and a little too loudly.  sometimes i do realize that i am different.  just not in the kool way that works.  

i was always on the fringe of that kool crowd.  the entrance fee was elusive.  even today as i commune with different circles (even in FACEBOOK!) i can feel that i'm not quite in .. though not quite out. 

i find myself looking for who i am in the eyes of the people around me.  affirmation and love is a source of strength and self-confidence.  it's something i struggle with.  i know that this is NOT how one should live life.  but it's a common enough struggle.  again.. i'm not that different from anyone else.  reality bites and so these days i work on acceptance; but now in my newest passion -- photography, i find that i have a whole new level of this struggle.  to be good, to be interesting, to be successful, one must be different.  and the cycle begins again.