frex N grin: mila | blue hormones

on the third trimester of the pregnancy i got used to rubbing the belly and always feeling kaya kicking into my ribs whenever we got into the car for long rides. i guess that's what i get for squeezing my pregnant belly into a low profile sports car. it's like i had a constant companion wherever i went. when i heard about this thing called post partum depression i figured it would be about the sense of emptiness after kaya came out. i was right and i was wrong.

post partum depression for me was all about hormones and feeling tied down. EVERYTHING was making me cry. the silliest, littlest things were turning me into a puddle. and then there was the loneliness. curtis, thankfully, had scheduled himself to be off work for 2 weeks. because of the c-section he arranged to work from home on the third week and i had company at home for a little longer. he went to the gym one day and i got a taste of being home alone. in the silence of the house .. with kaya just staring at me ... it really hit.

i had stopped all activities in february even though i wasn't due to deliver till march. i didn't line up any shoots till june to give myself enough time to adjust to the new life and schedule. it was a good plan but i was seriously crawling the walls with cabin fever. shoot! i still am! curtis was threatening to tie me down coz i just couldn't sit still when i got home. the c-section should have slowed me down but it was a physical limitation. my brain would NOT shut up. there were so many things i wanted to .. and needed to do. and when kaya was finally home i settled in ... for a lil bit. 3 days later i was crawling the walls again.

all my photog friends were lining up shoots. fun ones! they were busy working on their businesses, getting together, having fun, living life. oh jealousy! i felt sooooo left behind. it had been so long since i did a fun shoot and i was getting bitter about being tied down. i love kaya but i missed my life, my freedom and my sleep. even curtis could get away for an eight hour work day. he could hit the gym at leisure or hang out with his brother at the bar. the boob job (milk factory work) ties me down and compels me to be around kaya or a pump every 3 hours. and me with no consolation. i can't even drink to get drunk still (which subsequently only takes 1.5 beers -- i'm a cheap date) or have a good cup of caffeine. and the gym is still off limits for me.

i'm over the blue hump now. thank god for friends and family! my cousin camille who is a nurse has volunteered her down time to come baby sit so curtis and i (and steven) can go out on date nights. steven is curtis' brother. those two are inseparable. good thing i love him (steven) so much or i'd be bitter about being the third wheel on our date nights. *wink*

i spread out all the visits from my friends to keep my "calendar" some kind of "busy". i also charged a food entrance fee lol. you could see my daughter if you brought me a treat. and then my sister, the chef, was at the house at least 3 times a week. she made sure we didn't resort to the evil that is jack-in-the-box except for my desperate moments. she took over the kitchen and cooked meals for us to last days. nevermind that she said she would never do dirty diapers. what she did was the best gift ever those first 3 weeks. and she kept me company. oh and btw.. "never" is a BIG word. kaya has already worked her magic on auntie ina. she's melting! she still comes over to cook. she loves it or so she tells me. i think it's a ploy to see the munchkin and go for walks with us. she's even changed the diaper once! muwahaha!

leaving you with a few more tips i forgot to share the last time and photos from the 52 weeks of kaya project.

if you live on a split level home then have 2 of everything. unless you want to get extra excercise going up and down stairs i suggest having a diaper station on each floor and a bouncy chair on each floor too.
save money. look up swings, bouncers, infant car seats and strollers on craig's list. i got our infant car seat w 2 bases and the click in stroller for $200!
the swapmeet has dollar stalls. at the OC swapmeet i found piles of batteries for $1 a pack. load up. kiddie stuff gobbles up batteries. keep a stock of AA, AAA & C.
i used to laugh at my aunts and mom when they busted out the girdle. joke's on me. i'm cinched up with squeem.
diapers.com has amazing prices on all things baby AND diapers. 3 thumbs up for their free shipping feature.
we tried a bunch of products to see which we (kaya included) liked and here's the short list

pampers swaddlers - best diaper. you'll be using 6-10 a day so buy em by the case
costco (kirkland) unscented wipes - buy it in bulk you'll use em all
playtex ortho-pro - the only binkie kaya didn't reject