envy can be expensive

curtis and i wear very simple bands.  mine is just a thin, silver band that's beautifully square but with a twist.  his thicker band matches mine.  it suits us perfectly.  it's all i wanted although there was a time when my girlfriends kept telling me that i deserved a diamond and should fight for it early on or i would never get one.  now don't hate on my girls.  these are just some of the silly discussions we sometimes get into.  i won't deny that i deserve the bling and i won't lie and say that i didn't fall into the peer pressure.  in fact, after looking at my peers i got envious.  i pouted and batted my eyelashes and asked for that diamond ring at one point.  i didn't get it.  i want to say that at the time curtis ignored all my girlish whiles.  i was butt hurt i tell ya but only for a couple of days.  i guess it wasn't really that important to me since i moved on fairly quickly.  looking back now i'm glad he ignored my silliness but was still hurt that i got ignored.

in my line of work i see a LOT of rings.  it's one of the first things the girl and i talk about.  we giggle over the proposal, i marvel at the craftsmanship and beauty of the jewelry selected.  i window shop without having to step into a jewelry store.  each one is unique, beautiful and personally selected.  i meet them (the rings) for the first time during the consult and then we get into a deeper (more photo connected) relationship on the wedding day.  it's not weird.  i light them, pose them, talk them into a wink and a smile just like their beautiful owners.  we bond and i love them all.  luckily this relationship is enough that i don't get envious of their owners and my own ring and i are still at peace with each other.

one of my girl friends once told me that whenever the need to shop would grip her like a vice during "broke season" (most girls know about this phase); she would go online.  she would "window shop" via all her online stores to her heart's content.  fill up the shopping cart(s) to more than her credit card's capacity and then instead of hitting the PAY button she would exit out.  it fulfilled her need to shop but didn't hurt the wallet.  it made me laugh.  as i consider now that maybe seeing all these beautiful rings on all these beautiful girls is my version of window shopping, i'm not laughing anymore.  don't laugh.  retail therapy is as therapeutic as envy is expensive.

all these thoughts randomly surfaced last night.  i got out of the shower and HAD to tell curtis about it but emphasized that i still didn't mind not having gotten that diamond but wished that he could have at least entered into the conversation with me as to why i couldn't have it.  he smiled his sly smile and said that he had been hunting for a ring to go with my existing band.  i smiled back. if he bought it for me i wouldn't turn it away lol.  and yes, i would love it.  but i don't need it and probably wouldn't wear it everyday.  see?  i've moved on.  am i overly practical?  maybe ... but sap that i am i'm melting over the sentiment.

starting again

it's been THAT long.  as in ... over a year since the last entry.  i never anticipated that having the second child would impact my time more than the one kid did.  now that i say that out loud i wanna slap myself.  D U H!

well, it's rather nice that i'm starting back up on my personal blog right after dia turned one.  i like that.  i'm into meaningful time increments.  it's also appropriate since this entry is about getting myself back and it's taken this long to get settled again.

in the notes section of my facebook page you'll find an entry for "25 random things about me".  it was one of those tagging-participation things i used to entertain when i had time (and back when facebook was still new and novel).  the first 2 entries i put into that list looks like this:

1.  i know people think i'm skinny but my greatest challenge is keeping my belly smaller than my chest. 
2.  at one point i considered getting a boob job to keep the proportions in check (cheater i know). it was paris hilton and kate moss that convinced me that flat can be sexy. so i'm back to working on flattening the belly. 

clearly, the entry was written before i had children.  after two c-sections the talk of surgical alternatives was back and i wasn't kidding anymore.  every girl in my family is well endowed and somehow the fates ran out of boob supply when i got created.  not sure how that happened but i got jipped.  i've fluctuated between wanting more and being happy with what i had until i breastfed the girls.  to know the potential is to know what i missed out on.  then cruelly life takes that away and then you get even less than what you had to begin with (or you still have more but it's become misshapen).  it's simply mean.  to top it off the c-sections (and 2 pregnancies) really really really messed up the ab area that was less than ideal to begin with.  LORDY!  really?!  that kind of crap just screws with your mental health.  know what i mean?

there's a sentiment i'm trying to convey here and i've rewritten the sentence five times already because i can't tiptoe past the vanity of it and i cower in shame.  forgive my bluntness but truthfully, although motherhood has done wonders for me as a person a part of me shriveled up into a ball when the strains of pregnancy and child birth wrecked certain physical attributes.  i HATE what happened to my middle section and my chest left much to be desired.   the changes really did a number on me and destroyed my tenuous hold on physical confidence.  please know that to admit this openly it's like nails on chalkboard for me.   if only those nuns hadn't pounded humility and the shame for vanity i wouldn't be choking on this right now.  it's so true though.  i would venture to say that a lot of moms feel this way.  i know it when i photograph them for boudoir and glamour shoots.  i know it when we joke about how to pose them and what photoshop can do.  i knew it when  i had to dig into some deep reserves to get my own shoot done.  i knew it when i leaned on photoshop for my own shoot and realizing that editing myself is harder (and harsher) than editing others.   i KNOW that part of my balance was off because i was unhappy with the way i looked and i couldn't get back to the way i was (on my own).  this mental block affects my daily routines because i have to get dressed every day.  i have to look at a closet of clothes i don't enjoy because i wear clothes that hide me.  it leaks into my relationships and how i perceive others viewing me.  it affects my sex life because i don't feel up to it when i feel heavy.  i can keep going but i won't.  suffice it to say that my physicality affects more than i should let it but THERE IT IS. 

last christmas i told curtis that i would start saving up for a mommy makeover (usually this means a breast augmentation and some kind of abdominal surgery).  i had been stewing over it for a while, joked about it even.  i decided it was time to set that project into motion and the first step was to verbalize the plan.  in my culture this is one of those hush-hush things you do, fodder for gossip and things that other girls do but you and your circle don't.  it falls into the category of "i wish" but you really say that dismissively.  so maybe my declaration for this project was a little dismissive as well.  i loosely gave myself a year to save up.  the only thing in my way was a list of new camera equipment and the ability to raise the funds and FEAR.  i lost my mom to a tummy tuck.  

...and then there was curtis.  for my 40th birthday he surprised me with a card and a statement ... "go make your appointment".  REALLY?!?!  ok.  so i did. 

i hunted through my friends to find the right surgeon.  i needed someone that understood what i've been through without having to be walked thru it.  someone that understood me and that i could trust.   i was looking for someone who knew how to shape me the way i knew how use photoshop on my clients (tastefully).  i wanted someone who got it.  once i found her i jumped right in.  there's a lot more to be said here on my mental rebalance and physical reinvention.  i still have an internal battle with vanity=shame.  the path to happiness and confidence will have to be a blog post for another day but the bottom line is I'M HAPPY.  i've reclaimed a part of me that's been missing for a while and i've welcomed her back (just in time for the recent trip to bali).  this feeling i can speak of with no shame and out of the hush.  and now my dear steph is already talking about my next boudoir shoot lol.

you're going to ask me who my surgeon was.. her name is Dr. Tenley Lawton.  i LOVE her and her incredible staff of fantabulous women.    i'll be eternally grateful to them and to my friend that introduced me to them. call her.  meet her.  you'll love her too.  tell her i sent  you. i don't get anything for it.  just sharin ;)  i'm also eternally grateful to my dear dear curtis for giving me this wonderful gift.

i still shy away from getting my picture taken but here are some bali photos taken by my sweet friend chelsea with her iphone

pondering over motherhood and naming the 2nd baby

the whole time i was pregnant with kaya i was worried about how i would juggle motherhood into an already busy life.  i worried about it so much that i'm pretty sure it was the catalyst to my post partum depression (that lasted 3 months after kaya was born).  really i should have looked at my track record.  in most fast paced careers it's a sink or swim situation and historically in everything i've undertaken i'm a swimmer ... a pretty damned good one in fact.  and if there ever was a sink or swim situation it's motherhood.  SERIOUSLY.  just watch the tv show 16 and pregnant and you'll figure that out lol.  so this time around i'm really not as worried about it.  what has been swirling in my head of late, what with mother's day coming up, is how well i've been coping actually.  

there's this rumor going around that you lose brain cells when you become a mom.  pretty sure it's not a myth.  i lost brain cells and abilities like you won't believe but recently i've noticed that i seem to have gotten my bearings back and i really feel myself again.  i've looked around at my home, my child, my work and i gotta say... i've done a pretty bangin job with multi-tasking around here.  with mother's day approaching fast i now realize what i've taken for granted all these years with my own mothers and even within my own home until now.  mother's day, although touted to be the best hallmark card invention ever, is a very necessary day!  nothing would rock my world right now more than the simple acknowledgement from my husband and my daughter that i've done a good job around here.  sure i get hugs, kisses, i love you's and sweet smiles daily and multiple times a day but yes... i think a well deserved pat (accompanied by a tender "gesture") letting me know that they recognize what i do around here and that it's beyond appreciated -- well that would be AWESOME.  playing mom, wife, cook, psychiatrist, organizer, home maintainer (since i was smart enough to know my limits and hire a housekeeper), best friend, taxi, employee, employer and a whole bunch of other roles simultaneously, seamlessly and with no complaint is NO FRIGGIN JOKE.  sink or swim friends and again, if this were a resume, i swim well.  that's the bottom line.

so anyway, the second baby is due SOON.  thank god.  oh sure i'm worried about the adjustment period but it's not all consuming anymore.  what did consume us for a few weeks there was what to name her.  after trying out two names for weeks we finally settled on one.  

kaya, curtis and i are looking forward to meeting ...

dia milan ford

my two most favorite photos of curtis and kaya taken w my phone

are you sure you want to become a photographer?

it's been soooooo long since i've posted on here.  life and a new photography company (COCO gallery) have taken over and eaten up all my time.  but this morning, a thread on facebook really got me going and although i responded to the thread by getting on my soapbox and ranting, i wanted to put my complete thought out into the world in my own forum.


the thread started as someone voicing their frustration about not getting any gigs as a second shooter for weddings which i totally understand but i think things should be said to clarify how much work and dedication this career demands for ALL the players on the field from starter to career photographer.


in the film days you had to BEG to be an apprentice at a studio to get a gig as a second.  six to ten years ago getting gigs as a 2nd when you offered yourself up for free was a lot easier.  the digital revolution and a smaller competitive market had a lot to do with that.  these days getting a gig as a second is TOUGH.  here's my thoughts on this....


getting wedding photography jobs in general is HARD.  in socal especially we are competing with the people that teach other photographers nationally and internationally AND we're competing with a very large pool of photographers in general!  the area is full of talented, affordable people, famous names and startups that charge next to nothing.  getting ahead is a beast of a job so when we DO get a gig we treat it with respect and utmost care.  we bring along the people that are trust worthy, skilled and a good reflection of ourselves because this is a game of referral systems.  everything we (myself and the people with me) say or do will make or break us.  finding the right people for the job is NOT to be taken lightly.  in our company we even go as far as dry runs and training for the people we bring along.  the seconds, thirds, assistants, interns or what have you are people that we trust, value and know. they may have been friends from our past, people we've met along the way and some that we interviewed and hired.


i've been at this for over four years and that's not much to some of the amazing photogs out there that have done this their whole lives but it's a lot for me and i've learned much along the way.  i came from an entirely different work environment and every time i did a career shift i knew that i HAD to push myself out of my comfort zone and this path was no different.  here i had to move out of my hermit sheltered self and socialize with like minded people in the industry to network, improve my craft and find people that i could work with and who would like to work with me.  by the time i joined this industry getting in with the bigger named photogs and hoping that my career would be launched by such an association was next to impossible.  but there was a community of budding photographers with the same drive and dedication as mine.  finding friends to work with was the path i chose and it's paid off.  we would meet, discuss and vent at will and we grew together.  the company i'm in now is a melding of 4 people that resulted from those interactions!  the situation today for photographers just starting out is no different.  in fact, it might be better.  there's a constant wave of new people and you just have to find the ones that you get along with, have the same drive, are dedicated and work together.  think about it like school, the alumni from years ahead of you MIGHT talk to you because of the school association but the people in your class know you best and that's where you can find your associates.


the other thing i've had to do is study and practice a LOT.  i'm a voracious learner (don't check my grammar on that).  i'm constantly aware of new techniques and people to learn from.  just like any other skill, photography has to be mastered and to get hired (by a client or another photog) you need to earn the trust and respect of your clients and your peers.  this doesn't come overnight obviously and reading about something and doing are two very different things.  we don't learn by osmosis and surgeons don't get to hold the scalpel on live paying patients after reading about the procedure in a book.  even finding models to do things for free on sites like model mayhem you will find that seasoned models look at portfolios before agreeing to FREE shoots.  a career photographer has to prove that they are a photographer and that takes practice.  the composition part MIGHT come naturally to some, the posing, rapport and personality needed in a shoot can also be inherent but knowing your gear and how to use it is not something you are born with.  it doesn't even take much to practice!  you just need drive and creativity.  use items in your home to perfect detail shots, personal jewelry to get ring shots, use your friends and family to work on portraiture, inanimate objects to practice light ... any one of these exercises can be turned into art and build a portfolio.  coz guess what... a stranger won't hire you unless you have something to show for it.  WHY SHOULD THEY?  for primary photographers, the person they bring is either a liability or an asset.  PROVE that you are an asset by working on your portfolio first if you want jobs as a second.  it's your resume and it's all you've got to prove your worth.  any other career requires a good resume to get the foot in the door (that or a friend that's already in) and then you work your way up.  any career comes with a cost be it education, time, money or dedication and photography is no different.  also, don't forget that the job of the second is to be the backup to the primary.  if that primary's battery runs out, the second's shots become primary ... so now tell me, if you were the one hiring the 2nd wouldn't you be more careful about who you chose to come along?


please, if you want in on this industry even for just assisting and seconding ... you need to decide how BADLY you want it.  some careers require a degree, photography might not need a degree but it needs education and practice just the same.  other careers just need you to roll your sleeves up, start from the bottom and work your way up ... here too.  and ... just like any other career the success doesn't come over night and it doesn't just land on your lap unless you are part of a lucky 0.0005% in which case you might as well just buy a lottery ticket coz it's the same odds.


i've been at this for over four years, i've gone through this and i'm still going through it.  i've seen my contemporaries that actually stuck to the career go through it too so yeah... i know what i'm talking about.