happy birthday to me

curtis is a non-practicing jehova's witness and i'm a non-practicing catholic.  in a nutshell ... it makes celebrations at our house a tricky affair.  even trickier is the fact that my bday lands on v-day.  when we started dating i was butt hurt and near tears the first time my bday came around on his shift.  we worked in the same office and although females in the IT industry were in the minority they got the majority of attention on v-day.  every single girl in that office got some kind of heart acknowledgement.  flowers, toys, chocolates, baskets, you name it.  mind you i can't stand heart and v-day crap ..  i'm not the biggest fan of roses or chocolates but just like any girl i love the acknowledgement.  that day i didn't get anything.  and if that wasn't bad enough, the fact that every person in our office was looking at me wondering "what the hell? isn't it your bday too? curtis really didn't do anything?" that really sent me over the edge.  i left the office early that day and didn't really say much.  i spent the next two birthdays going somewhere to avoid the topic.  one year i visited my cousin in france and had a blast.  but even at that distance i was bummed knowing what i was avoiding.

these days curtis and i meet in the middle.  he has his non-traditions and i have my traditions.  we both grew up with something that the other can't relate to but we talk and we compromise.  we mutually celebrate the day i gave birth to kaya and we celebrate who she is and how much she's grown.  we gather with my family for food and love at christmas though he doesn't really participate in the gifts.  i plan nice dinners for his bday and he lovingly acknowledges mine.  he actually buys me gifts now too.

THIRTY-NINE years old and TWENTY-FOUR weeks pregnant (aka 6 months).  it's my last year in my 30s and i'm spending it by completing our family with a second baby.  like birthdays in the past we'll be chill and cozy and i'll get lots of love.  i might be planning something next year coz after all it's a big one.  the goal for sure is by 40 i should be on the road back to my old jeans and ready for a vacation in the sun!



photo taken at 16 weeks

happy birthday mom

dear mom,

it turns out that no matter how hard we try not to be like our parents the inevitable happens lol.  is it the age thing maybe?  i'm out of energy to fight what is naturally in me... the indelible mark you left?  sigh.  it's those long drives home (stuck in traffic) when i have nothing but me, my brain and silence to reflect over the day and the past week and i pause.  a lot.  i see so much of you in me.  SO MUCH.  it's not a bad thing.  it's just curious.  now, as a parent myself, i see what you were trying to do.  you knew where your weaknesses were and you tried to instill in me the strengths you wish you had but you also impressed on me who you really were.  actions, actions, actions.  it leaves a mark.  i picked up a little of both and more.  i know now what you were trying to do and i'm doing it too.  i'm constantly evaluating where i can improve but it's hard to stay on top of that and i fall back to the old, easier ways.  you can't always fight nature i guess.  you are buried deep in me.

gosh i really miss you.  maybe i'm romanticizing, wondering what our relationship would be if you were still here.  how would you be as a grandma?  i'm guessing doting which would be a 180 from the disciplinarian ina and grew up with.  'course nobody can resist the charms of the little kaya.  you should see how much she gets away with when she's around the family.  i've definitely turned into the disciplinarian.  hahahah!  i really would have enjoyed seeing much affection you would have showered on her unencumbered by the old responsibilities of proving yourself in your career, maintaining a social life and having nannies care for your kids 24/7.  enjoying your grandchild as every grandparent can as we the parents host the internal private battle that you did when you were raising us.

we've managed fairly well raising the little one i think ... even without you around.  this second one that we signed up for though scares me a little.  i might have thought that it was going to be difficult without you the first time, now i'm really worried.  a lot of other families obviously have managed and when push comes to shove, instincts will kick in and we just deal.  but it really would have been a relief to have you around.  selfish.  i know.  sorry.  i'm sorry for a lot of things.  not getting to know you more when i had the chance is definitely one.  young, ignorant and stupid is my only excuse.  really really miss you.  these days more than usual.

happy birthday mom.  wish i could give you a hug.

love lots.

p.s. she has your temper, your drama and your dimples.

photos by my friend steph burns

round two . it begins again

yep, 2 home tests and a doctor verification later... it's official.  round two has begun.  due date: june 6

mila | fashion . dolly couture

my friend dolly gets soooo excited when she's got new dresses for her line.  and when she calls, i get soooo excited too.  coz that means pictures!!!  check out the rest of this fun fashion shoot on the coco blog.

fashion by dolly couture