it doesn't have to be mutually exclusive

"too pretty to be intelligent"

"she's attractive so she must be a snob"

where the hell do we learn to create these kinds of associations? i can say in honesty and with much shame, that i have thought these things of some women. i might not have said it this way, but the internal dialog and the final conclusion plays out pretty much like those two sentences. in fact, i have two girls in my circle of friends who i clearly remember, surprised me so much when i realized how sweet, down-to-earth and street smart they were. it was so very wrong of me to assume that because they were beautiful they would be A. unapproachable and B. simple minded. 

some other things of note:

• the fact that they were the complete opposite of what i expected made me fall in love with who they really were even more. 
• after observing their manner, i also realized that they seem to have a studied way of being EXTRA nice. as in, nicer than was normal but incredibly genuine as well.

of course, the analyst in me has to dwell on this even longer and the girl in me tends to internalize.

i know i'm intelligent. it's not a subjective observation it is merely a statement of fact proven by a list of achievements. i know that i'm personable. that's definitely subjective but ... let's go by what people have said and count that as truth. i know that i'm not un-attractive. attractiveness is a highly subjective quality and it's not something you openly discuss with friends or strangers unless you're in a contest that requires explicit judgement of that particular attribute. permutations on that combination elicit different reactions from people. the general guideline for most is that we want to be likeable. it's a quality that many people strive for. how easy it is to attain that quality seems to linger around a specific  balance in the ratio of how attractive, how personable and how intelligent one is. likeable is related to reachable and real .. in other words, perfect is impossible and could not possibly be genuine and the closer you are to it the less likeable you are.

this realization led to my own conclusion on why i felt compelled to rough up my persona with qualities that are in direct contrast to the usual expectations for someone who looks like me. i curse like a sailor. i chop my hair off. i've assumed a sportier demeanor, almost tomboyish. i wear contradictions on a whim. i do whatever i can to stay unpredictable.

now, i'm not saying that i'm by any means perfect. but i've been blessed with intelligence and a fair share of pretty and now looking back, i can see that people have at times treated me unfairly as a result. i've felt the pressure to be perfect since i was a kid and i've also felt the sting from those that instinctively recoiled from these blessings that can turn out to be curses. it's lonely when people treat you like a snob before they get to know you. it's work to have to prove that you can be both intelligent and attractive. it's also work to prove that you can be genuine when others have already stereotyped you. i can say that i've taught myself to never look up or around to see if people are judging me coz i'm so used to it being there. it hurts to see it. and when you look you find. so i just stopped looking.

mother's day and my possibly unpopular opinion

national holidays that land on week days calls for a day off of work. mother's day is on sunday, technically a work day for us moms .. so mother's day should mean i get to take a day off right?

more on this day off concept.

what i want most for mother's day, aside from some sweet acknowledgement of all that i do for our family, is a break. i would LOVE a day where i could sleep in, couch potato, be waited on hand and foot and if i spill something on that hand or foot, someone else would pick up the mess (constantly). i want a break from wiping butts and boogers, house chores, being at everyone's beck and call, AND all the worries that come with taking even a second off from all the mommy responsibilities that i lay on myself. in other words, i would like somebody to take over ALL that i do, with no grumbling, for just a day.

that said, curtis is in vegas with the boys, doing a boys weekend. he told me last week that they randomly came up with this plan. i raised my eyebrows and said "so you're telling me that you're taking off to go have fun. in vegas. with the boys. on mother's day weekend. ... really?" to which he replied with a pause and look that said "oh shit." and before he could even backpedal, i said, "it's fine. go do your thing. but i expect you to make up for this. don't ask me what i would like. what i want is for you to think about how much i mean to you and how much you have to make up for this. compensate in kind. i look forward to seeing what you come up with." and i smile.

nobody be upset with him. nobody commend me for being incredibly generous either. wedding season has begun and he's got a few solo parenting weekends in the horizon. giving him this time is just fair. besides, lunch and or dinner out is a sweet gesture but i cringe at the cost of going to a restaurant on this highly advertised day. and i really don't have the patience for the wait or the number of people that are out and about doing exactly that for all the celebrated moms out there. then there's the usual activity that i would have to do to get the family ready to even leave the house for a day that was supposed to be for me. what would be cool is if dad took the kids out for a bit (after managing all the chores i would have done), gave me the gift of peace which i could spend on the couch reading a book, doing my nails or surfing fb on my phone if i like. then letting me get ready at my leisure to take me out to a dinner (not on mother's day) with or without the kids.

i know that the popular opinion is that kids should spend mother's day with their moms. now that i'm a mom, i think i'll be looking forward to embracing that opinion when the kids are older. at some point they will stop clinging to me and start ignoring me. at some point they will grow up and move out. at this stage of our relationship, however, we are together a lot. their dependence on me is a daily, hourly, minutely thing and it's the definition of our time together. so on mother's day, i want to declare a holiday from them and have some time with me. i love them. i love them oh so much. but do you get what i'm saying? trust me, on father's day, curtis can take the day, go surfing, go biking, go out and do what he enjoys to his heart's content. i'll take one for the team and be home to manage everyone and every thing. i'll even take the trash out and wash the cars.

p.s. camera gear, shoes, phones and smart watches cost a wee bit more than flowers but they last much longer.


just me and the girls on an all girls weekend doing girl things and spending mother's day together...

tears for my little coffee bean

kaya's been getting up early. like 6.30 am early. i suspect it's to spend time with me. so we put her little beach chair in my bathroom. there she sits, wrapped up in her fuzzy robe, favorite toy in hand, watching and hanging out with me as i get ready in the mornings.

this morning as she sat on her little chair, she pointed to her foot and showed me a blister on her toe. she's peeling the skin with a worried look on her face. i tell her it's no big deal, i explain that it's just a blister and her toe is just making room for new skin. that little flap will peel off and new skin will be ready underneath. her face lit up. "will my skin be like everyone else?" my heart stopped. what was this question and where did it come from?

as i tried to recover from the shock and trepidation, i scrambled to come up with something normal to say. i didn't want to alarm her with all the feelings and thoughts that were going through me. my first questions made her clam up even though i was non-challant in my tone. it was clearly a topic that bothered her. slowly she told me that she felt that she was different from everyone else because in her words "my skin is brown". my heart was breaking. 

two years ago i read about children recognizing their similarities and differences amongst each other and using skin color as a method to organize themselves and create associations. i blogged about it here. it's human nature to create affiliations and skin color is an easy method to spot associations just as hair color, eye color or any other attribute is. not to say that bonds or groups are formed over these characteristics but when one of these things is not like the other ... well, then spotting the difference becomes obvious. and we live in a dominantly white community. in fact, kaya may be the only dark skinned child in her preschool. there was an entire chapter on this in that book Nurture Shock: New Thinking About Children. my worries began that day. and although, it prepared me somewhat for the possibility of the issue arising, i wasn't prepared to hear it so soon. i certainly wasn't prepared to see and feel the sadness in my little girl over the color of her skin. it took everything in me not to bundle her up and just take her away from it all. i dug around for something to say. something that would make her feel better. 

i started with ... "you and daddy have the same color". i moved into describing people we know and what color they were. then i asked her if she wanted to be a different color. she hesitantly answered yes. then we talked about what color she would like to be. i asked if she wanted to be blue or green or purple. then we giggled about how silly that would be and how different it would still be. then i told her that summer was coming and so many of her friends would be turning brown from the sun and all that time at the beach. then i told her that i loved her color and that i wished that i was that color too. and THAT made her look up at me and smile. she hugged me with relief. my sweet little coffee bean. 

this is the world we live in. this is the life she has to live.i will do my best to teach her to love her difference and to embrace it. i hope i can stay strong for both of us and not well up with tears as i'm doing now. i hope she will always be able to talk to me about these and any other worries she may have. little dia will have worries of her own. this one may not be one of them but i hope when the time comes, she and i can talk about whatever it is too. 

slow down with that "c" word

when doctors throw out that word "cancer" all the red lights go off...

it started with one spot on my jaw. the spot started growing and puffing up in the heat. i thought it was a rash of some kind. i didn't have time to pay attention to it. actually, maybe i just didn't make the time. then there was more than one spot. in fact there was starting to be a whole bunch of them. i finally remembered to ask the doctor about it and he dismissed me saying it was just age spots. interesting.

the following year, at my annual, i ask about the spots again, there's a few more now and they aren't going away and i'm not sold on them being age spots. he looks at my chart, tells me that i asked about them last year and he really thinks that's all they are (i'm making this guy sound kinder than he was. i really didn't like him but was too lazy to change).

last year, new insurance, new doctor, new opinions. this doctor doesn't want to be too dismissive so we start up on some creams to see what it does. nothing. a dermalogical referral, more creams and a biopsy later....

actinic keratosis aka precancerous lesions on the skin. primarily found on fair skinned people. there's that "c" word! totally buried in the middle of all that. but the truth is, it's NOT cancer. it COULD be, if i left it and didn't take care of it. bummed that i'm susceptible. i guess i'm more fair than i am brown. boo. so, yeah, not panicking. just taking care of it. so if you see me looking like i had a measles or chickenpox explosion on my face... it's just the cryotherapy treatment. it's not pretty but it's not permanent. more importantly it's taking care of the problem.

 

vulnerability and the strong woman

i heard this rumor recently that to have friends, one needs to be vulnerable. ok maybe that was too broad of a generalization but it got me thinking.

at all these weddings i've attended i listen intently to the speeches that the best man or maid of honor gives for these brides and grooms and i consider my inventory of friends. i wonder for myself, who of these people in my life would ever speak about me with such depth? who would shed tears of joy that isn't family? who could say that they knew me thru the good times and the bad?

i don't have a lot of really close friends. if i were honest, i would say that i've only had less than a handful that i can truly call my best friends (outside of my spouse) and their existence in my timeline of life is fairly spread out. and actually, i'm not even sure that those people realized that i considered them my best friends. in fact, i'd say that recently, i've been so far removed from my friends that i probably wouldn't have someone i could run to if i needed running. then that brought me to the thought of "running". when have i ever ran to somebody because i just couldn't handle what life was throwing my way? ONCE. it's only happened once. and then i paused.

i am very rarely openly vulnerable. i'm a fixer. i analyze everything to death. i dissect to the point of ridiculousness and then i solve. i make a decision and it's done. discussing the process or the decision is so unheard of for me that the last time i was told to see a therapist, the therapist pretty much kicked me out. she said that i didn't really need her. i keep things simple in my life so coming across complexities are such rare occasions. i'm pretty content and possibly... boring.

my "friends" who have complexities who decide to share their issues with me seem to come looking for a solution or a listening ear. i've learned that earlier in my life i applied my cold logic to their situation and my solutions weren't always well received. i figured out later that people just need you to listen. so i've evolved. i want to say that these friends look to me as their friend but i'm still not the one they latch on to. is it the lack of reciprocation? i'm starting to think that people think i don't need friends. hmmm..  ponderous.

i recognize that friendship takes work, effort, time, interaction, frequency and maybe even proximity. oh .. and patience. something i don't have enough of. but vulnerability, open vulnerability, is this quality truly a necessity in finding lasting friendships? nobody realizes just how sensitive and vulnerable i actually am. i've worked so hard to be the "strong woman". i've spent a lifetime building the persona, the armor that protects the inner workings of me. the only person that has met that truth is my husband. there's no hiding it from the person that spends everyday with you. but everyone needs friends. friendships are cherished. and hugs should be given to even the strongest of people. if men can have good friends, even great friends, and men are the standard for "strength" then why not strong women? women who aren't openly vulnerable?

ponderous.

still remembering mom

when my mom finally passed it wasn't a surprise, it was a welcome relief, one that took eight years to arrive. still, at the funeral, the grief took over and my sister and i were choking in our tears. neither of us could read the story we prepared to share with friends and family that day. curtis had to step in and read it for us. to remember mom on her birthday, i dug that farewell tribute up to share today.

everyone has a set of best loved stories and we wanted to share one of our favorites about mom with you. we’re sure that some of you are familiar with this one. 

often times our mom, who was ever the disciplinarian, would use her life stories as tools to teach us valuable lessons. this story is about mom, who was a willful child raised by her grandmother (aka lola inay). 

let me begin by saying that lola inay was a strict disciplinarian and woman to contend with. lola inay had long established a set of rules, and one of them was that the children in the house were not allowed to visit the neighbors without her express permission. permission was not always granted, especially when one’s chores were not done. mom, the youngest of the many children in the house, decided all on her own that she was special and did not need permission - and besides that, she was sure that she could sneak away for a couple of hours and no one would ever even notice. that day, she snuck over to the next door neighbor’s house where there was a little girl of the same age to play with. it wasn’t until a few hours later that she heard lola inay yelling for her from the other side of the shared wall. in a panic, she hurried towards the wall and peeked over. lo and behold, there was lola inay! she was too close for her to sneak back home and not get caught, but she could hear the insisting tone in lola inay’s voice that meant she was upset.  and when lola inay was upset, you had better believe that it was the end of the world. she HAD to try anyway. she started around and attempted to enter the house from behind, but then lola inay turned around and they made eye contact. oh god! it was a deer in the headlights moment… mom took one look at lola inay, quickly spun on her heels and started running the other way. lola inay was right behind her. mom ran towards town, through the market and eventually ended up circling the entire neighborhood in an attempt to lose lola inay.  Please remember that this is her grandmother – but the woman was known in town as a woman of steel and quite the legend. mom realized that she was losing ground and decided to head home. needless to say she was punished for her naughtiness. it was a terrible punishment, but one that mom shared with us. she only wanted us to know that we would not have to suffer similar consequences – provided that we choose not to disobey her house rules, which she had modified to fit her own style of parenting. {we smile}

that willful child grew up to be a headstrong woman of great character. she had an atrocious temper and a dynamite sense of humor. she was your best friend and your favorite shopping buddy. even in the last eight years when the pinnacle of life was not at its best, you could still see that spark that was mila, in her eyes.  we love her and we’ll greatly miss her. this is only one of many favorite mila stories and we shall always remember her since we never tire of swapping mila stories with friends and family.

mom was born on dec 4, 1945 and passed away on july 4, 2006. my sister's daughter yuki was born six years later on dec 4, 2012 and the celebration of life continues with the new generation of willful females in our family

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM. HAPPY BIRTHDAY YUKI!

going back into my shell

honestly, i'm not quite sure how i survived through my photography career. i think that my no-nonsense, slave driving ways were my salvation. that and ordering people around with a smile. i'm actually pretty shy and awkward in social situations. my coco gallery buddies are the only reason why i had to exercise the social side of me. they MADE me talk to people because we needed to market the business... and so i did. jason had to give me a scripted outline for client interactions and tommy would push me to meet strangers at business mixers and art events. it was sooooo painful. but i did it. i got better at it. each time was another push outside of the comfort zone and each time i would heave a sigh of relief when it was over.

now that i'm back in corporate IT i can feel my self slowly walking backwards into my comfortable space in the shadows. slowly. sneaking my way into a place where i don't have to interact with people in social situations anymore. slowly, the doors are creaking closed and i'm considering art for art's sake. business be damned and marketing along with it. i'm not that good anyway.


documenting my family is stress free, cherished and doesn't require marketing.

my biggest guilt

i was thirteen. it was midday. a weekend. i remember sitting on the steps inside the house. facing the window. my mom was combing my hair. she asked me if she was a good mom. i remember thinking how silly that question was.

"of course!" i answered.

then she had this sad look on her face. "promise me you won't ever put me in a home." that's what she said.

and i promised i never would. why the hell would i ever consider that? we don't do that in my culture.

i PROMISED

14 years later i did. i had to.

i'm going to live with that guilt forever. i let my mom down.

somehow this story came up today. i can't remember how. but it came up. i need to put it out there. let it roam free. then maybe i can move on from it.

five years of blogging

i started writing my blogs as an extension of my journaling. it was a way to keep everyone informed of what was going on with curtis and myself while we took a life break in the philippines back in 2008. this blog eventually evolved into an extension of my photography business. a documentation in words and images of the people i met, photographed and loved. i had a remarkable following considering the little bit of effort i put into it and i was amazed.

after coco gallery was created i moved away from my own blog since maintaining 2 of them (coco had one too) was tedious. my work life and my personal life were too difficult to keep separate. i felt like i was being redundant.

now i'm turning a corner again and this blog is going back to being my personal journal. i'm fairly certain that my readership has diminished to almost nothing or just family. and that's ok. i know that blogs are kind of out dated now. people don't have the patience to read more than a few lines on a fb post. but i do it for me and for my kids. i actually print out my blogs into books. i was printing it once a year. i want to pass them on the girls. it's a legacy of my thoughts, i want them to understand who i am, who they are, who we (curtis and i) are. i don't want them to regret not having asked me about me as i do about my own mom. by the time they are of the age to be curious about who i really am, i'm pretty sure i'll be some cranky ol' lady who won't want to answer those questions ... or i'll be senile. so i want to give them the current version as it occurs. while it's still fresh and while the feelings are genuine and the events have more truth than colored memories.

so here's to five years of blogging. maybe some years were skipped (or barely touched). the point is... it's still here and still going.

just a mish mosh of thoughts

it's 9.30 pm on a friday night, the house is finally quiet and i have time to string some thoughts together. there's no rhyme, reason or connecting thread to them. it's just a series of thoughts, musings and bits of memories from today, from this week, from the past two months.

• i'm stretched thin and it's my fault. i do it to myself. there is nobody to pressure me but me. there isn't even a compelling reason for me to drive myself to this point other than ... i guess i want to?
• i miss my family and they miss me. all week kaya has been snuggling and rubbing her head against my arm like a little kitty cat, verbally expressing how much she misses me. dia gets up early in the morning before her normal routine to sit with me in the bathroom as i get ready. when it's time to go she refuses to give kisses which is highly unusual for her. i suspect she understands that the kiss is a parting gesture. curtis has actually said that he feels like he hasn't seen me all week. this patient man has been so patient with me. all this makes me tear up.
• i spend a lot of time second guessing myself and doubting my abilities. i stress about it so much. when i finally step off that insanity and relax, i realize that i didn't need to. i really did know what i was doing. i was right. i wasn't crazy. i was right.
• today i worked the day job from home. kaya was throwing up last night and running a fever. we decided it was best to keep her home today and i would be here with her. i'm so glad we did. she had the fever on and off all day with only a dose of tylenol to keep it at bay. i'm so grateful to have a job that allows it. i'm so grateful that technology has advanced to the point where that really isn't an issue anymore. i'm grateful to have co-workers that understand.
• i'm not as rusty as i thought i was although i still think the pregnancies replaced some of my smarter brain cells with forgetful ones maybe even some dumb ones.
• kaya was home with me but dia was at the sitter's. i guess i haven't realized just how much time they spend together. by 1 o'clock kaya was asking if it was time to pick up dia yet ... then she would repeat the question every 15 mins until we finally did. apparently, on the other side of the city, dia was doing the same.
• milestones and accomplishments feed the soul and give me renewed energy. especially when i came so close to quitting.
• there is a light at the end of this damnably long tunnel but it isn't till november and somehow 2 1/2 months feels sooooo far away.
• i've worked from home for too long. i have to hone my communication skills again. 
• working out of home has made me lose weight. not a bad thing. i still don't have time to work out. might not be a bad thing either.

a flashback to the first time curtis met kaya

Driven by Need, Enlightened by Necessity

i was driving home friday and in looking at the time realized that i had a little under 30 mins before i had to be anywhere. i found myself considering tucking off to a bar somewhere and just having a cold beer. then it hit me. wow, curtis! N O W i really do get it.

people always give me a look of incredulity when i tell them that curtis gets to go out every friday night. yes, EVERY friday night. it actually used to be thursdays. doesn't matter, the point is he gets one night a week to go spend as he pleases (within reason) and he chooses to spend it bar hopping in search of pool tables. just like other bread winning men, curtis plays full time employee, full time dad/husband and full time brother among other roles. for a social butterfly, it gets awfully tough on the system to not have a section of time in there for himself. and by that, i mean, he needs space to go have fun unencumbered by responsibility to anyone. honestly, i get it. when he doesn't have space to decompress his ability to perform the required functions of breadwinner, spouse and family counselor starts to deteriorate. he has his own version of meltdown and it's not pretty. so i give him space. mind you, i don't always give willingly. there have been times when the space was begrudgingly accommodated and that's usually when i'm exhausted but i  know that when he comes back from his night out he's ready to step in (full force) again. i need him at peak performance as much as possible ready to take over when i fall into my own meltdowns.

these last three weeks have been a serious challenge to my system. i've been pulling off full time employee then running home to be full time family girl and squeezing in photography entrepreneur somewhere and everywhere. rinse and repeat. there's michelle time in there. i've found them in the little gaps between responsibilites ... shower time, toilet time, drive (by myself) time, fb mins, sleep. they aren't much but they are sacred to me so don't scoff. those 30 mins i suddenly found last friday was a heavenly chunk that i didn't even know what to do with. it made me giddy with possibility. i considered, target, costco and a beer. 

i've got a few more weeks of this required level of performance coming. there's a light at the end of the tunnel i know, but while i'm in it, the tunnel seems to be getting longer. i know i can do this. i might cry a couple of times along the way out of sheer exhaustion and throw myself a pity party (coz well... somebody has to). but i'll make it. curtis has been pulling this shift for over four years now. so yes. now i really really really get it. he totally deserves that one night off a week and when things wind down a little for me i might be scheduling my own one day a week to get balance again.

shot with a sony rx100 mkii . edited with LR VSCO presets

Happy Mother's Day

dear mom,

it's been a while i know. i've been busy. yeah, i always say that. but it's true.

so.. you have 3 grand kids now!! holy cow! who would've guessed? i remember when i thought i wanted to have a baby at 27 just like you did. that didn't quite pan out. it's definitely one of my greater regrets that you and mama weren't around for the first set of grand kids. had i followed through with that notion you would have at least met my first child but then .. it wouldn't have been this child. engh, things happen for a reason right?  i still wonder what you would want to be called coz i know it's not "lola" hahaha!

kaya just turned 4 mom! i can't believe how quickly that happened. one moment she was prancing around in a tutu and next thing i know she's telling me quite clearly that she hates pink, won't wear anything with flowers and unless it has pockets i can forget it. was i ever that head strong? little dia is almost 2 and she's gotten to be a bossy little thing. tita clem swears that all their tempers came from you. i'm definitely not the one to refute that. i can see it for sure! but they also have your dimples so maybe it's a balance?

ina has a baby now too. that just blew everyone away. we were so surprised and i was so worried. her pregnancy was so tough and she had me in knots. well, ina always makes me worry but i can't always tell her coz you know how she gets. i can't upset the balance. i'm not supposed to play mom coz you know.. nobody can really replace you. turns out there was nothing to worry about. she's an amazing mom! little yuki is a smart little cookie and whiter than milk! adorable and cheeky and just so full of smiles. nobody eats better than that kid and anyone of us would sign up to take her plate in a heartbeat! ina's such an awesome cook. i don't think you even ever got to experience that talent of hers. it would have made ina so proud to have you try her cooking.

fourteen mother's days ago i would never have thought that ina and i would be celebrating mother's day without you and much less that we would be mothers ourselves. it really would have been nice to sit down to a photograph of three generations with you, me and ina and our girls. more girls. we are such a strong family of girls. thank you mom. for the strength. tita candy and tita clem do a great job of picking up where you left off. managing us and keeping us strong. we miss you lots.

happy mother's day.

three generations of strong, happy women

review time

i'm sure everyone has their own approach to editing. mine begins with taking some time away from the images i shot. i usually cull the set within a day or two of the shoot when the details and plans are still fresh in my mind. but the emotional high from the shoot colors my perspective and i select more than i should. it's a good practice for me to walk away from the images for at least a week. when i come back, i'm usually more objective. i'm also usually busier which means i don't have as much time (or patience) to devote to secondary images. this ensures that i really only select the best ones of the set and my efforts are intentional.

phillip and i had not discussed how or when i would be back to sit with him. only that we would go over the images when i was done and ready. so i went through my routine and process as i normally would. it took me a little over two weeks to get back there. i held off sharing pictures with the model, stylist and the world as much as i could. well.. i might have taken a shot of my screen with my phone and tweeted something about it but that was the extent of my share. i wanted to hear what phillip said about my work before i put it out into the world. i was a wee bit apprehensive on what he would say. as artists, i think this is probably normal. i walked him through my final set, showing him the before and afters of each image. we discussed the merits and strengths of each piece. i stated my intentions and we discussed them. he pointed out some things i missed but they were minimal modifications, perfection details more than anything. overall, i fared well. i'm not gonna lie, it was both a relief and an affirmation.

and so we move forward. i'm planning my next shoot deliberately.

The First Time with Phillip Ritchie

i am a photographer.  a good one. i don't always believe it. it seems to be the norm around creatives and i'm no different. i do weddings and i shoot women.  i love shooting women  i find it to be the most rewarding.  that said, i shoot the photographs to please my client (after myself) but in the end, the target audience is my client. 

when i met phillip ritchie he explained his process to me and it was such a deviation from my own process that i was intrigued. he had a vision and pieced everything together around that vision. he got the model, the mua, the set design, like pieces in a puzzle and shot the necessary number of images to get the vision. if he got it then he was done.  it's such a different approach from the photojournalist process of a wedding day or the flow posing and experimentation of boudoir photography.  and the only person he aims to please is himself. it seems so selfish and yet the results are amazing and the process is efficient.  

phillip has taken me on as student, he my mentor and last night was our first session. i had no idea what to expect. i don't think we really talked about it or defined it which put me to a disadvantage. the unknown is a scary thing and the imagination can go crazy. i was intimidated to say the least. the man is a master of his craft and i would be vulnerable in sharing my process or lack thereof. how much i was going to share on the first round was one of my concerns. do i come to the table with my usual arsenal of how i do things or do i break myself down completely to open up to his process entirely? i opted for the latter with one exception. i didn't put much thought into the model and mua situation. as i usually do with my clients i gave carte blanche to my model to take care of her clothes, styling, etc. my only request was that i wanted something glamorous and trusted that she would pull through as i knew she would. whoops. mistake number one and phillip was quick to point it out. "who are you doing this for and why are you doing it?" it was a reminder that if it's my portfolio build and my shoot (with no client to please) then i need to be the one directing everything from head to toe. TAKE THE TIME TO PLAN.

i learned three things from him last night:

• shoot with intent - plan the image and work towards that plan
• be meticulous - care about it enough to think about every aspect that would make the image good
• be tenacious - work towards the best possible version of the image 

i made myself completely vulnerable, prepared to take on his process as he walked me through it. i tried holding off injecting my own usual methods because the point was to learn his. it was humbling, humiliating and effective. as we progressed it started to dawn on me that many of the things he does, i already do. our environments are little different, our subjects and purpose are different, but the method itself has the same foundation. like any student, i cannot take his method in its entirety and make it mine. i have to find the pieces that work for me and insert it into my style and make it my own. 

after breaking myself down for this i had to put myself back together and evaluate what just happened. the biggest lesson i learned as i tucked myself into bed and reflected on the night ... i am a good photographer. there's always room for improvement and last night i was given some lessons to help.

original post here

starting the year off with contentment

a trainer once told me that my biggest stumbling block to toning and overall physical fitness is that i'm not overweight.  what he meant was that i didn't have any major motivation or leaping changes that would push me to that goal.  what he was telling me was that my wishy-washy attitude was a product of my ability to easily hide what i didn't want others to see.  had i been motivated by a fitness contest or a more solid goal like running a marathon or something like that i would have been more successful.  he was right.

this thought, as random as it is this afternoon comes to me after watching a video about lizzie velasquez.  lizzie was once labeled the "world's ugliest woman" because of a rare condition that she suffers from that we don't even have enough understanding about.  this woman is now a motivational speaker and she says her condition has brought her strength, resolve and the ability to pursue her dreams.  part of me instantly jumped to my random thought ... she's an extreme case who used her extreme circumstances as leverage to motivate herself.  all my life complaints are so average.  i have stuff to complain about but then again, i really don't. but then again .. i'm kinda content.  there's goals here and there but nothing HUGE.  they are all attainable.  lately, my life has just been a happy little ramble.  just like this entry.  is it bad that i'm wishy washy right now?  i have a general path but nothing totally committed.  i'm taking opportunities as they occur and i'm just enjoying them.  i'm savoring moments and picking and choosing as i go.

i'm getting my feet back into the corporate world because i enjoyed my IT life and i enjoyed the money i made doing it.  i'm in the middle of reorganizing COCO gallery with a renewed focus on shooting women, glamour and families.  i'm stretching my wings on the artistic side of photography; shooting with a purpose (artistically).  i've joined a team of amazing photographers at lin and jirsa studios as a second photographer to round out my year of wedding photography.  it gives me an opportunity to learn from an amazingly talented and technical group of photographers.  it humbles me to no end to watch such talented people do their thing and for me to know that i still have so much to learn.  i work for SLR lounge doing video tutorials and product reviews, extending my reach and exposure in the photography world.  and i've been blessed to be associated with nice prints photography of the philippines who have been sending me to weddings internationally and exposing me to locations i would never had access to on my own.

all in all, things are WELL.  i'm content and there are no words to express how grateful i am to all the people that have provided me with opportunities.  and so we begin a new year.  this contentment has led me to where i am ... without even a resolution to start the year.  well ... maybe one.  savor every moment.  that's ok right?

this photo was taken for nice prints photography.  a outdoor winter wedding in england with a warm family full of love and kindness.  they've embraced me into their family and i look forward to seeing them again.

freedoms, priveleges, rights and taking it for granted

last night we saw 12 Years A Slave.  there were two other couples in the theater with us and one of them left before the half way mark.  i was emotionally shredded by this film and i'm grateful.  curtis and i are both so fortunate to live in a time and place where we are free to be who we are and to be with each other.  being born into freedom such as ours does not allow us to truly appreciate the pain of those before us who lived and fought for the freedom we have today that we take for granted.

we are an entitled society.  nobody can raise a finger against an animal without being called cruel.  the workplace is a bed of eggshells between men and women who have to tread cautiously with their words and relationships lest the gender bias be an issue.  media is full of sensitivities regarding race and color.  and now, finally, sexual preference is getting its protection from discrimination.  we've come a long way.  some issues still require resolution and we aren't done with working out exactly what equality means but we've come a long way.  and yet, not enough has been done and not enough time has passed for the wounds that have festered to be healed.

curtis and i watched that movie, fingers gripped, shoulders tensed, tears streaming down our faces.  aghast and in disbelief over the senselessness of it all. how one human being can treat another so inhumanely defies logic.  that movie was set in 1841, one hundred seventy two years ago.  that's not that long.  that's maybe three lifetimes.  that's curtis' grandfather four times removed, living in that life.  let's put that into perspective, i myself, met my grandmother three times removed.  so yeah, that's not that long ago.  when you consider how close that still is historically it rips the mind to understand where we are as a society today.  to look at the existing issues with color and race and in some countries, gender and class.  all this mind bending really put me into a funk and we've been having discussions including the effect of all this on our own children.

lots of ranting, lots of perspectives and i'm rambling but then at one point i paused.  curtis and i have closed the circle in our own way.  i am a product of the privileged class.  the spaniards ruled over the philippines for over 400 years.  they had their own version of oppression mostly based on social class and foreign influence.  my spanish lineage puts me on the side of the oppressor and curtis' lineage we have known to be on the side of the slaves.  the two of us marrying freely and having been accepted openly by our families and communities, there is justice in that.  all of a sudden, in my head, our union has so much more weight.  it bears significant value.  that gives my mind a peaceful harbor from the chaos this movie has rent in my soul.

so many lives have suffered and fought for the freedom we have today.  the legacy of our parents and the generations of parents before them is the life i have now.  i am humbled and grateful.  this thought brings me to another pause.  no matter what differences i may have had with my parents.  there is one truth that should be known.  they gave up their life of luxury to give my sister and i a chance.  i hope that they can say their sacrifices were not wasted.  i may have taken the freedom for granted but i feel that i have lived my life well and that they can be proud.  for all the opportunities open to me, i am forever grateful to my parents.  may i have the strength to give to my children as they have given to me.


from my phone :. instagram

Give thanks by giving . Philippines needs help

To my close friends, acquaintances and even those friends that only know me through online communication. Some of you have been kind enough to take some time to ask about my family in the Philippines and fortunately my immediate family is in Manila and Manila has been spared the ripping devastation that typhoon Haiyan has left behind but we still have family and friends in the danger zone. We’ve posted in the missing person list that Google has put up hoping to hear from them soon. One of our good friends was last heard from saying that she’s prepared with food and supplies and that they’ve pretty much battened down the hatches. Her home is on the coast of Guiuan and the news is just now coming out from her town. The reporters are saying that Guiuan, the little town where it was reported that the storm first touched down, was very aware of the storm coming and they had done their preparations.  They are a town that is accustomed to typhoons hitting their area, being in the storm belt, and they were confident that they were somewhat prepared.  Evacuations to the usual centers were done like the schools, churches and similar solid structures.  The catastrophe is that these very structures sustained serious damage as well and the people seeking shelter there were scattered like ants.  With no communication coming in our out of the area they are stranded, expecting immediate help and relief, not realizing that they are just one small town out of the hundreds that were hit.   The only structure that was left intact is the airport strip. We can’t find her and we haven’t heard from her. We have extended family in Leyte where the eye of the storm pretty much hit. And we’re holding our breath to hear from them as well. Our family at home is in nervous chaos waiting to hear from the people we know and love. 

I know you guys see me as just this crazy chick and maybe I’m funny & quirky sometimes and my kids are cute. But right now I’m just crying. It’s a mess out there and I don’t really know how to help. They’re saying that there might me a TEN THOUSAND body count. I hope to god they are exaggerating the number coz that just seems insane. This little country gets hit with 20-26 typhoons a year and earthquakes too; and even when the last bad one hit they managed to bounce back, survive and keep on with a happy face. I know that this too shall pass but right now they need help so desperately. There is no food, water, shelter or medicine for HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE. The medical teams are operating in the dark since there’s no electricity and candles are even scarce. There’s looting and robbery as the survivors struggle to stay alive. 

My family and I are putting together our own fund to send food with our friends to the devastated areas. Thanks for giving me your attention for a bit. Likes are appreciated, so are hugs, warm thoughts and prayers, sharing would be nice too but really they need more than that. They need us to act and help. They need food, water, medicine, money. They need help right now more than anything. I hope you can find it in you to contribute some help.

I can’t help but feel as fortunate as I sit here at my desk, cozily wrapped up in my soft blanket and my child tugging at my arm for attention. Today will go on for me as it always does but my mind and my heart are with my friends and family back home. Please, if you know me or someone from the Philippines or if you just want to help … my little country needs all it can get right now. With thanksgiving right around the corner maybe I can appeal to you guys by asking you to give thanks by giving a little. Here’s all the different ways you can help. 

 http://www.cnn.com/2013/11/09/world/iyw-how-to-help-typhoon-haiyan/index.html

life :. vapid

sometimes i fall into a pit of gray where life is uninspired, dull and boring.  i question my talent and i judge myself harshly.  i look around for inspiration and in the search i find more reason to hate myself and my work.  i'll encounter a glimmer of hope but the instant is fleeting and momentary, like the dreams i never remember when i wake up.

Life :. Pondering over WHY and HOW

why would a beautiful young girl resort to cutting herself to vent frustration?  how do i get through to her?  what could i tell her that would make her wake up and shake her out of it?  how do i show her that i understand what she's going through and that i get it?  how do i tell her that it really does get better?  how do i make sure that my own children don't fall into this outlet for frustration and what do i say to them if they do?

i met that beautiful young girl earlier this year.  when i asked her why she thought she was doing it she gave me some vague "i dunno" and some wishy-washy pointing in the direction of some acquaintances that might have been the cause but no defined notion of what they did.  i didn't sense abuse (verbal, mental or physical); not that i'm a mental health expert or anything but after talking to her it seemed like she had a lot of pent up and built up teenage angst.  she's twelve.  the whole conversation stayed with me for weeks and really had me thinking.  i'm a long way off from raising teens but i wanted to ponder over it now.  best be prepared yes?

coincidentally, i just had a conversation with my brother-in-law about our recent bouts of depression a few weeks before i met this girl.  we talked about our individual frustrations and how we deal with it.  i've since realized that regardless of age, as humans, we all have a hole that needs to be filled.  not to over simplify but a lot of it seems to boil down to a need for success and acknowledgement.  children love to be praised, teenagers love recognition, adults live for it.  some need small gestures like a hug or pride in themselves or a simple "fb like" and others need grander gestures like trophies, money, power and fame. various levels but my point is ... it's basically the same.  i feel like the things she's going through, i'm still going through.  the difference is that i know the source of my frustration and when i'm sick of it i can step away and focus on something else.  i can bury myself in a book, a movie a bag of chips or a very expensive trip to target.  my brother-in-law hits the gym.  i know others that would turn to drugs or alcohol and others yet that become workaholics, food bingers or serial daters.  i was telling him that this driving need and the temporary solutions we take to resolve our lack of fulfillment are so "self" centric.  a lot of times we don't even know what's wrong; we just stop the gap with whatever is in our reach.  i would think that for our younger generation especially, identifying the problem might be the biggest part of the problem.  maybe it's worse.  maybe it's knowing the problem but not being able to admit it.  on top of that, the set of options available to our kids for that stop gap is a smaller list.

i wondered if it wouldn't be a more productive temporary solution to focus on helping others as an option.  it might give a two fold return.  i know that when i've focused on helping someone else for a change i learn something about myself in the process.  selfishly, their success also feels like my own and it's great motivation.  parents put their kids in sports, arts and other extra curricular activities which are great ways to develop confidence, fill that need for acceptance and accomplishment.  in my formative years, the nuns that ran the school took our extra curriculars one step further by giving us little projects to care about that were centered on someone else.  we would sponsor a child's education or go help with a poverty stricken family.  we would visit schools to share our education with less fortunate children.  it gave us a glimpse at life outside our box and something to ponder over.  it didn't make sense to me then but the experiences stayed with me and actually... it makes a whole lot more sense now.

if only life could be this peaceful always...

Life :. Parenting Worries . Racial Awareness

the list of worries that a parent goes through seems endless.  keeping them physically safe is one of the simpler matters to maneuver.  i lose more sleep thinking about side stepping drugs, peer pressure, social media, and sex.  this week i started reading Nurture Shock: New Thinking About Children.  i'm only three chapters in and it's already added to my list of concerns.  i can't believe i forgot about helping them through the race issue.  i want to slap myself in the face over my naivete.

i grew up in the philippines and we have our own issues on social class and skin color.  my own experiences growing up cannot possibly compare to being a black kid in a dominantly white environment in america.  according to the theories and studies in this book, despite our integrated school environment children will naturally want to categorize themselves.  i now understand it as being no different than the boys vs girls thing and we all know that at a certain age little girls hate boys and vice versa.  we all think it's cute and we all know that in time those feelings will change.  skin color is just another way for them to associate and group.  there is no malice in it i don't think (at least not initially) but it should definitely be discussed.  we openly talk to our children about boys and girls and how they are different.  we even ask them to identify themselves as one or the other.  on the topic of skin color though we don't discuss it.  even in our house we haven't brought it up at all.  my brother in law is apple pie white with his blond hair and blue eyes.  curtis is half black.  i'm an amalgam of european and filipino.  some people don't even know how to categorize me when they see me.  it makes our household a melting pot of skin colors. i guess we figured it was a non-issue and therefore doesn't warrant a discussion.  THAT's naive.  the truth is that my girls are going to come across skin color discussions at some point in their young lives.  dia took after me and has a much lighter complexion while kaya took after curtis with her beautifully chocolate tones.  we live in an environment that's got a great assortment of cultures but we're short on african americans for sure.  apparently the concerns just might be greater for dia, my lighter skinned child, than for kaya (check out the story of twin boys daniel and james).

kids operate under a very simple logic.  they won't account for the mixed race of their parents; they just go by what's obvious, skin color.  even curtis whose mother is white, identifies himself as a black man.  it's just the obvious choice i suppose.  i guess i kinda do that too by calling myself asian even though i'm about 40% european but that's coz i grew up there.  even that's not right though coz technically filipinos are pacific islanders.  at some point i think we started saying "who cares" and then chose not to discuss it.  our kids are of mixed descent and that's that.  but kids being kids, they have no filter.  cruelty might be their first experience and i don't want that to be a barrier to progress.  naturally i also want to protect them and i certainly don't want my kids to be the source of the issue either.  many will say that we're operating in a much more varied racial environment now.  yes, that's definitely true but visually... we're still short on the darker skin tones in my neighborhood.  i just want to be prepared by making my children aware just as i now am.  the book of course cautioned against negative anticipation. kind of like going to a psychic and being told that you'll be hit by a car and then spending your time looking for the car.  i don't want to teach them that the world will be cruel.  the world can be cruel regardless of color.  i just want to teach them to be confident women of character.

i'm a worrier it's true.  i've been talking to curtis about this book as i complete each chapter.  i can't say that it really tells me how to handle the issues it brings up.  it's more about giving me a sense of awareness.  on this race issue i am now officially VERY aware.