it turns out that no matter how hard we try not to be like our parents the inevitable happens lol. is it the age thing maybe? i'm out of energy to fight what is naturally in me... the indelible mark you left? sigh. it's those long drives home (stuck in traffic) when i have nothing but me, my brain and silence to reflect over the day and the past week and i pause. a lot. i see so much of you in me. SO MUCH. it's not a bad thing. it's just curious. now, as a parent myself, i see what you were trying to do. you knew where your weaknesses were and you tried to instill in me the strengths you wish you had but you also impressed on me who you really were. actions, actions, actions. it leaves a mark. i picked up a little of both and more. i know now what you were trying to do and i'm doing it too. i'm constantly evaluating where i can improve but it's hard to stay on top of that and i fall back to the old, easier ways. you can't always fight nature i guess. you are buried deep in me.
gosh i really miss you. maybe i'm romanticizing, wondering what our relationship would be if you were still here. how would you be as a grandma? i'm guessing doting which would be a 180 from the disciplinarian ina and grew up with. 'course nobody can resist the charms of the little kaya. you should see how much she gets away with when she's around the family. i've definitely turned into the disciplinarian. hahahah! i really would have enjoyed seeing much affection you would have showered on her unencumbered by the old responsibilities of proving yourself in your career, maintaining a social life and having nannies care for your kids 24/7. enjoying your grandchild as every grandparent can as we the parents host the internal private battle that you did when you were raising us.
we've managed fairly well raising the little one i think ... even without you around. this second one that we signed up for though scares me a little. i might have thought that it was going to be difficult without you the first time, now i'm really worried. a lot of other families obviously have managed and when push comes to shove, instincts will kick in and we just deal. but it really would have been a relief to have you around. selfish. i know. sorry. i'm sorry for a lot of things. not getting to know you more when i had the chance is definitely one. young, ignorant and stupid is my only excuse. really really miss you. these days more than usual.
happy birthday mom. wish i could give you a hug.
love lots.
p.s. she has your temper, your drama and your dimples.
photos by my friend steph burns
