five years of blogging

i started writing my blogs as an extension of my journaling. it was a way to keep everyone informed of what was going on with curtis and myself while we took a life break in the philippines back in 2008. this blog eventually evolved into an extension of my photography business. a documentation in words and images of the people i met, photographed and loved. i had a remarkable following considering the little bit of effort i put into it and i was amazed.

after coco gallery was created i moved away from my own blog since maintaining 2 of them (coco had one too) was tedious. my work life and my personal life were too difficult to keep separate. i felt like i was being redundant.

now i'm turning a corner again and this blog is going back to being my personal journal. i'm fairly certain that my readership has diminished to almost nothing or just family. and that's ok. i know that blogs are kind of out dated now. people don't have the patience to read more than a few lines on a fb post. but i do it for me and for my kids. i actually print out my blogs into books. i was printing it once a year. i want to pass them on the girls. it's a legacy of my thoughts, i want them to understand who i am, who they are, who we (curtis and i) are. i don't want them to regret not having asked me about me as i do about my own mom. by the time they are of the age to be curious about who i really am, i'm pretty sure i'll be some cranky ol' lady who won't want to answer those questions ... or i'll be senile. so i want to give them the current version as it occurs. while it's still fresh and while the feelings are genuine and the events have more truth than colored memories.

so here's to five years of blogging. maybe some years were skipped (or barely touched). the point is... it's still here and still going.

just a mish mosh of thoughts

it's 9.30 pm on a friday night, the house is finally quiet and i have time to string some thoughts together. there's no rhyme, reason or connecting thread to them. it's just a series of thoughts, musings and bits of memories from today, from this week, from the past two months.

• i'm stretched thin and it's my fault. i do it to myself. there is nobody to pressure me but me. there isn't even a compelling reason for me to drive myself to this point other than ... i guess i want to?
• i miss my family and they miss me. all week kaya has been snuggling and rubbing her head against my arm like a little kitty cat, verbally expressing how much she misses me. dia gets up early in the morning before her normal routine to sit with me in the bathroom as i get ready. when it's time to go she refuses to give kisses which is highly unusual for her. i suspect she understands that the kiss is a parting gesture. curtis has actually said that he feels like he hasn't seen me all week. this patient man has been so patient with me. all this makes me tear up.
• i spend a lot of time second guessing myself and doubting my abilities. i stress about it so much. when i finally step off that insanity and relax, i realize that i didn't need to. i really did know what i was doing. i was right. i wasn't crazy. i was right.
• today i worked the day job from home. kaya was throwing up last night and running a fever. we decided it was best to keep her home today and i would be here with her. i'm so glad we did. she had the fever on and off all day with only a dose of tylenol to keep it at bay. i'm so grateful to have a job that allows it. i'm so grateful that technology has advanced to the point where that really isn't an issue anymore. i'm grateful to have co-workers that understand.
• i'm not as rusty as i thought i was although i still think the pregnancies replaced some of my smarter brain cells with forgetful ones maybe even some dumb ones.
• kaya was home with me but dia was at the sitter's. i guess i haven't realized just how much time they spend together. by 1 o'clock kaya was asking if it was time to pick up dia yet ... then she would repeat the question every 15 mins until we finally did. apparently, on the other side of the city, dia was doing the same.
• milestones and accomplishments feed the soul and give me renewed energy. especially when i came so close to quitting.
• there is a light at the end of this damnably long tunnel but it isn't till november and somehow 2 1/2 months feels sooooo far away.
• i've worked from home for too long. i have to hone my communication skills again. 
• working out of home has made me lose weight. not a bad thing. i still don't have time to work out. might not be a bad thing either.

a flashback to the first time curtis met kaya